There and then, here and now

I'm learning to live in the here and now. 

But the there and then keeps calling me up for a chat.

"Hey! Do you remember when-...."

"Hey! I got this nasty feeling!"

"Hey! Wanna compare notes?"

The wish and wonder likes to drop in too. 

"Do you ever think about..."

"Wouldn't it be great if...."

"What will it be like when...."

Here and now is difficult. It requires paying attention to what is actually happening to me, around me, and inside of me. It's like watching a mystery for the first time but the movie doesn't actually end because it's your life. Every time you think something makes sense and you have reached the happy ever after, it keeps going with a new twist. I've decided to just roll with it though. I'm old enough now that I know I can handle whaever is coming.

Living through trauma, disability, and loss (and all at the same time) shifts the dynamics of life. I used to panic about getting everything I wanted and needed in life, and how long it might take. The older I get, the more I live through, the less I worry. I know I can survive. The rest will happen on its own time.

Up until even days ago, I was held captive by a part of myself that was obsessed with events that happened to me when I was very young. My way of thinking and feeling in reaction to here and now was being controlled by what happened to me a long time ago.

I'm working on my response. Instead of letting it take over, I offer that little child a safe place to be comforted and feel safe. Once I know that part of me is taken care of, I deal with whatever is really going on. It seems to be working better. I'm not reacting as quickly or strongly to things anymore.

So there, then. I'm going to the here and now.

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